Snapshots
Inspiration in application
Based on the Focused Psychological
Strategies Workshop.
Rosalie Pattenden and Ray Hawkes
April 24, 2012.
So much of the
workshop was practical and immediately applicable. The following week, I had many opportunities to
utilise the strategies from the workshop with my clients. Therefore, rather than choose one strategy to
apply, I have documented a number of snapshots.
Annie and John
A couple in their
mid- 30s. The couple have a young
toddler. John was previously married and has a teenage son. This was a first session.
Annie and John
have been together for 3 years, and are not married. John arrived agitated and unsure that
counselling can help (he has already tried individual counselling), and while
he finds it difficult to express what the problem is, he fears a repeat of his
last separation, which was “a very messy divorce”. Annie cries softly for most of the first 30
minutes, and describes that she had several long term relationships before she
partnered John; and the last one she stayed in way too long. She has no other children, and seems devoted
to her young daughter – her life as a mother is a stark contrast to her previous
life, where she travelled and had a high profile job. She seems contented with this new life, and
her distress to be more about how her husband feels than her own disappointment
in the partnership.
Strategies which were
useful:
i.
The
Tunnel of Love - Leunig’s cartoon.
My quick sketch (acknowledging Leunig, of course) prompted the question
of what was going on - now that the tunnel had burrowed underground. It
provided an opportunity to normalise the journey for most couples, and this
reframe did not require many words (a picture is worth a thousand words!) They quickly volunteered that they had many
lengthy discussions about the partnership, but no productive outcomes. By
inference they were telling me that they required input from me to break this
impasse – ie seeking expertise/ wisdom
from their counsellor.
ii.
Different Definitions of Love. It
was a surprise to this couple, who I suspect had been seeking a mutually agreed
definition of love, that most couples do not understand love in the same way.
John, who holds a senior position in a financial institution and in his work
life had little time for the relevance or impact of emotions. However, when I asked them for examples of an
‘ideal’ intimate partnership, John opted for Romeo and Juliet! In sharp contrast to his successful work
life, he had a very idealised idea of “romance “ (his word). Annie contrasted her two other serious (‘too-long’)
relationships as being passionate , but lacking a shared rationality. A
revelation emerged, which had not been previously discussed: Annie had told
John that she felt she had chosen him for more than just passion – she felt the
shared intelligence and world view were equally important. Apparently, she had
mentioned this to John quite some time ago- and he had been quietly festering
on it; he understood it to mean, “I don’t actually love you.’
iii.
Gottman’s
Relationship House offered a measured reassurance, and linked to John’s
work world. We focused on the importance
of friendship; they both feel that
they are strong in friendship. Annie had not recognised that this wasn’t enough
for John, and he hadn’t spoken of this blow to his hopes. This lead us to the concept of Shared Dreams. The arrival of their baby, who they both
adore, had heightened their tension, as they were unable to agree on their
hopes for the future of their child. Gottman’s research – showing that 70% of
satisfaction is derived from friendship, for both men and women – would have
also been valuable – but we didn’t address this. I’ll keep it mind for next time if
appropriate.
iv.
Jacobson’s
Acceptance Model, with
objectives of emotional acceptance, and interventions of explored emotional
reactions and mindfulness, were briefly addressed. Both spontaneously moved to the very
different ways affection was displayed in their family-of-origin.
v.
Sense of Hope. The homework activity was embraced enthusiastically by
both. We discussed the very different
modality for expressing affection that they had grown up with: John’s family always greeted each other with
a kiss, including all the men (to each other), while Annie’s family kept a
distance, almost never touching each other.
Between sessions, they have agreed to practice expressing their
affection for each other in the way the best member of the in-law family would
do it. This raised more laughter, with John
checking with Annie about which one he should model himself on. He asked could he actually seek advice from
her brother (who Annie suggested was the most successful). It appeared to me that having something new
to do also reinforced the budding sense
of hope which was not there at the beginning of the session.
At the end of the
session both Annie and John volunteered that they had had a number of
significant new insights, and they were keen to come back.
Kellie.
Kellie is a
beautifully groomed intelligent woman in her early fifties, now working
professionally, as a result of completing university qualifications as a mature
age student. She first presented with
concerns about the relationship between her husband and their teenage son.
It became clear
that Kellie’s major concern was the (somewhat bizarre) behaviour of her
husband, which included very unreasonable anger toward the son. She used the
sessions to give thoughtful and respectful consideration about what was behind
her husband ‘s strange behaviour. It
emerged that his business had gone under, that they had large credit card debt,
yet he refused to discuss either their relationship or their financial problems,
despite her really respectful and creative approaches to him. In the session following the workshop, Kellie
arrived ready to ‘throw in the towel’ and begin steps to separate.
Strategies which
were useful:
i.
Takes One To Tango.
Kellie felt despondent about her husband’s refusal to respond. Utilising Michelle Davis’s ‘be willing to tip
over the first domino’, Kellie became energised to keep working to connect with
him. Although she had been ready to give
up on the 25 year marriage, she still remembered him as lovable and kind –
before the recent onset of secrecy and withdrawal.
ii.
Gender Differences. We spent considerable time empathising with the importance of the
business to her husband; and her new insight helped her to understand why he
was so hesitant to receive her offers of support; she had taken these as
personal rejection.
iii.
Relational Mindfulness.
Kellie developed another approach to talking with her husband, and left
the session ready to try again.
A few days later
she emailed that he had responded with a willingness to do things differently
and that he ‘loved her heaps’. We will
see what happens next at the next session; hopefully he will also attend.
Sally and Pete
Sally came to see us because her ‘lovely’ daughter
(14) had turned into a ‘monster’; and she was very unhappy about their continual
fights. Older sibling (19) is studying, and does not live home.. Sally and Pete have been married 21 years.
In the first session
Sally almost neglected to mention her husband at all – she was fired up and
furious about her daughter’s behaviour and she felt angry and alone. In the
second session, a slightly less frenetic Sally began to vent annoyance at how
her husband appeared to support the daughter’s angst towards her. Sitting with Sally was still not unlike being
caught up in a cyclone! She is a very
busy, successful business woman, and she also raged at her husband for making a
bad investment several years ago – details not forthcoming. She said she now
had no respect for him. To a suggestion that we might invite Pete to future
session, Sally responded forcefully, “I’ll make him come next time”. I tried to have her defer the invitation while
we prepared for a couple session; Sally had shown very little interest in
‘standing in his shoes’, and I feared it was premature.
Next session
(after the workshop) Sally arrived with a retiring Pete in tow; he announced he
didn’t want to say anything! Sally
looked as if she was spoiling for a fight.
Strategies which
were useful:
i.
Negative Interaction Cycle. It
was clear with almost nothing being said, that Sally and Pete were caught in a
destructive cycle of hurt and vengeance (like the workshop Mary &
John). I explained that before we tried
to explore ways of them managing their
differences, we needed to be sure that each did actually know what the
other one thought. I then asked them to
give a few minutes thought to what their partner would say about their
differences. I then asked Sally to tell
me, as if she was Pete, what their
differences were. She responded
energetically. He smiled, and when
asked to give Sally feedback on her accuracy, told her she was ‘right on’. He then did the same for Sally, and got a
similar response. We were on our way! We then
very carefully looked at how they each saw the daughter’s behaviour; again I
asked them to speak as if they were the other. As Pete described how he
thought Sally felt, including that she
saw his behaviour as more than favouring the daughter, but actually showing his
disinterest in Sally, the furious and stormy Sally dissolved before our eyes,
tears poured down her face, and she spoke in a quiet voice I had not heard
before. I congratulated them on how well
they understood each other.
Pete spoke up about how he feared that any proposal his daughter tried to
negotiate for ‘freedom (eg visiting friends after school) would be blocked by
Sally. Sally talked about how it hurt
that Pete could see that she felt neglected and unloved, yet did not reach out
to her. . They were both saying how they had lost the
ability to communicate.
ii.
The Relationship is the Unit.
Gottman’s concept was palpable in the room. They faced each other quietly and carefully,
and we looked into the details of their difference as a challenge for ‘their
unit’; which was of paramount importance to both of them.
iii.
Five Languages of Love. Exploring Chapman’s different styles prompted
both Sally and Pete to suggest practical activities to begin to meet the
other’s needs before the next session.
No mention had
been made of the financial loss which Sally had described with such vigour and
resentment the previous session, as the reason for her great loss of respect
for Pete. So I obliquely mentioned it;
neither wanted to take it up; smiles continued. A very much softer Sally, and a more vocal
Pete left the session, with an appointment for next time – together.
